It’s been a long time running down a dead-end road
Lookin’ for that something that could fill my soul
Running Home, Cochran and Company, 2023Ā
Title: Running Home, CD By: Cochren & Company Format: Compact disc. Vendor: Gotee, Publication Date: 2023. Weight: 3 ounces. UPC: 669447019978. Stock No
āIām sorry. I just canāt do it anymore.ā
The note was torn from a copybook and left on the kitchen table that morning. I wasnāt sure how my husband had managed to get out of bed without me hearing him, but tears flowed down my cheeks as I read his words. I ran to the window; his white Ford GT was gone. That meant that Ron, my husband of 40 years, had driven off in a psychotic break.
I picked up my phone and began to make calls: to the police, our children, and our minister. It was more than I could handle alone; I needed my village.Ā
It was April of 2009, and it was the third time that Ron, worn down by both psychological and physical issues, had attempted to run away from his problems. I knew the problems were not of his making. The severe depression that had caused the first mental breakdown in 1996 resulted in several hospitalizations in psychiatric wards and was later diagnosed as bipolar disorder in 1999. We were getting a handle on it, working out the medications, and coming to a balance in life (well, sort of) when the red pickup truck struck Ronās car on Paoli Pike, resulting in massive internal injuries and many, many surgeries.Ā
At first, Ron tried to remain positive and hopeful, but as infections invaded his body and postponed his recovery, the mental aspects of a long illness began to erode his faith. He questioned why God allowed his suffering, and why God allowed him to remain on earth. My usually upbeat nature grated on his nerves.Ā
āIām worth nothing,ā he would say.
āYou are to the kids and me,ā I would counter.
āIf only I could get away from God,ā heād retort.
“Go to Ninevah!”
Iām sure Jonah felt the same way when God told him to go to Ninevah and he decided against it. Jonah 1:3 says, āBut Jonah got up and went in the opposite direction to get away from the Lordā (NIV). Jonah did his best to run and hide, jumping on a ship headed for the open sea and eventually getting thrown into the waves when the crew discovered this disobedient prophet was the reason for the sudden storm. Then, to make matters worse, Jonah was swallowed by a whale and spent three days and nights in what was probably a pretty dark and smelly place.
But it gave him time to think. While the story of Jonah does not end with his repentance, God undoubtedly knew the internal struggles within the prophet and forgave him (Shalhevertnewsonline.com).
And God forgave Ron. Aways. My husband may have seen his struggles as meaningless. Sometimes I did, as well. Why had this good man, this loving husband and father, been made to suffer so much pain? I reminded myself daily that,ā God works for the good of those who love him, who had been called according to his purposeā (Romans 8:2,8 NIV).
And despite his attempts to run away, Ron did love God.
It was close to midnight by the time Ron was found. Church members and neighbors had gone home by then, and my grown children and their partners were seeking some respite at my house when our minister called.
Going home
āI drove by the church,ā said Dan. āRonās car is there. The police are bringing him to the hospital. Heās okay.ā
Ron had, at his lowest point and suffering great inner turmoil,, sought a place of peace and safety. Heād sought God.
It was the last time Ron tried to run away from the Lord. It probably helped that I sold his car. He continued to question why God allowed his pain to endure. The last two years of his life, when his world was reduced to our downstairs rooms, were particularly difficult.
āI wish I knew what Godās reasons are,ā he would tell me. And I would assure him that one day he would know.
According to Desiringgod.com (2017), suffering prepares us for glory; āFor our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them allā (II Corinthians 4:17, NIV). As Joni Eareckson Tada said, āWeāll thank God endlessly in heaven for the trials he sent us here.ā
His trials continued, but my husband stopped running from God. And on one glorious day, Ron ran home.
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4 thoughts on “Running Home”
That was some action packed write up Linda. It is inspiring how God gives one the gifts to handle so much. I am so sorry you all endured such pain yet happy for Ron he Is with God. I like to song added to it – it is beautiful isn’t it?
Thanks for commenting, Mary. When I write about the very challenging years of handling so much illness, I am amazed at the strength God gave me to survive it all. Thank you for encouraging me to write about Ron’s psychological issues. As you pointed out, many people suffer in this way. I hope my honesty in the written words can be a comfort to others.
Your fan Marian here,
Once again I was amazed at how you married āpaintingā a word picture of the setting and action with the emotions of the characters. I was right there with you panicking while looking out the window at Ronās empty parking spot. And, I was in the car with Ron when coming to the end of himself outside the church.
One short comment you made seemed like a huge one. Though this is not the place to go into detail, it is worth repeating. āThe psychological and physical problems …were not if his makingā; just saying, because the causes of deep depression is so often misunderstood, miss diagnosed and thus miss treated.
I continue your willingness, Linda, to share your experiences and your respect and perseverance Through it all.
Thank you, Miriam. The decision to write about Ron’s psychological issues was the result of much angst and prayer. But so often we ignore emotional or mental issues, fearful of labels or stigma. There are many people who suffer from invisible illnesses we cannot see. I would like other people to see the hope we kept with while Ron went through so much.