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A Long Journey

The ā€œMagi from the Eastā€ probably took the same path Abraham traveled from Ur to Canaan. Led by the Star, Eliot makes it clear with these lines that the three travelers could not choose the time of their trip. Who would have intentionally set out in the dead of winter?

Eliot noted that he wrote this poem very quickly. ā€˜I had been thinking about it in church,ā€™ he told his wife, Valerie, years later, ā€˜and when I got home I opened a half-bottle of Boothā€™s Gin, poured myself a drink, and began to write. By lunchtime, the poem, and the half-bottle of gin, were both finished.ā€™

The Book of Matthew is the only one of the synoptic gospels to include the visit of the Magi. Scholars argue that it is possible because of the declaration of ā€œkingshipā€ that these three foreigners bring to the Infant.

 

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Another interesting fact about the opening lines of ā€œJourneyā€ is that they are an almost direct quote from a sermon given in 1622 by a preacher named Lancelot Andrewes. Eliot puts the lines in quotations since they are not his original words:

“A cold coming we had of it,
Just the worst time of the year
For a journey, and such a long journey:
The ways deep and the weather sharp,
The very dead of winter.”

How could a Magus. traveling to worship the Christ Child, quote a line from a 15th-century preacher. It and the use of Biblical quotations the Magi could not possibly know add to the mysterious narration of the story.

 

REFLECTION: These few lines make it clear that Eliot did not find the road to salvation to be an easy one. How hardā€”or easyā€”was it for you to accept the gift of Jesus? Were you, unlike the Magi, prepared for the journey?

 

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A Cold Beginning

A cold coming we had of it, just the worst time of year for a journey.

 

TS Eliotā€™s journey to faith began with doubt. Just as many hardships challenged the Magi, many difficulties assailed Eliot as he attempted to leave his past life behind and seek spiritual truth. Eliotā€™s earlier works, such as ā€œThe Hollow Menā€, refer to the afterlife as ā€œdeathā€™s other kingdomā€ and imply that we are all living meaningless lives. But after converting to Christianity, Eliotā€™s works took on a more hopeful tone. ā€œThe Four Quartetsā€ has been cited as being ā€œovertly religiousā€ while ā€œJourney of the Magiā€ centers on the Birth of Christ and the meaning it gives to humanity.

Eliot always contended that he had no ā€œconversion experienceā€ but quietly became a believer.

REFLECT: While he considered his salvation a very private matter and kept this conversion secret, it had such an impact on him that he wrote a poem as an allegory. How do you honor and recall your own salvation?

Journey of the Magi

Journeys are never easy. Each year as I set up my creche, I wonder about the mysterious Wise Men who journeyed from the East. We have only a few scant verses from the Book of Matthew about them:

Now after Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold, wise men from the east came to Jerusalem, saying, ā€œWhere is he who has been born king of the Jews? For we saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.ā€

Tradition has it that they were three astronomers who had been tracking the moving Star and believed in the prophets who foretold the coming of the Messiah.

Surely, I would think to myself, these three menā€”not Hebrewsā€”were changed by their journey. It was the idea that eventually led me to write a previous Christmas story,Ā A Star for Zachary, which told the tale of an elderly man who was a shepherd on a hill the night the Heavenly Angels announced the Holy Birth. His life had been changed forever.

T.S. Eliotā€™s poem, ā€œJourney of the Magiā€, holds the same fascination for me. Eliot penned the poem in 1927, the same year he became a British citizen. While the poem itself tells an allegory of the Three Wisemenā€™s journey to the Christ Child, making frequent reference to prophecy and Bible verses, it was also written by Eliot as an analysis of his own conversion journey to faith.

For me, the last four years have been an immensely difficult journey, full of obstacles and doubt as I was plunged into widowhood and the single parenting of an autistic adult. Yet along with the difficulties were also amazing discoveries of my abilities as a writer, the building of a readership, and the decision to make the 2023-2024 school year my last as a full-time teacher.

Please join me on this Christmas Journey as we follow the Wise Men along the route to Bethlehem and reflect for a few moments on the Great Gift that leads us to Christmas morning.

DID YOU KNOW?

This week’s post is brought to you by Sandy Vidro. Thanks for sharing with us, Sandy!

He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17

 

OUTWARD

When we look at the human body, it appears fairly normal to us. We all have a head, neck, arms, hands, fingers, body/trunk–some more than others!–legs, feet, toes, and bones. But should we dig a little deeper?

Our Creator God does not get the understanding or praise He deserves from His children for the intricate way He created us! The thought He put into the creation of men must have been phenomenal.

Genesis 126:27 says, “Let us make many in our image, in our likeness…” So God created man in His Own image. In the images of God He created him; male and female He created them.

INWARD

Let’s look inward at just how much thought God did put into making us, His children.

For you created my innermost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalam 139:13,14

Have you ever wondered what holds us together? You have a brain, heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, stomach, and spine; a myriad of organs and parts that all work together to keep your human body running. Each organ is made up of different kinds of cells, each unique to itself. For instance, what keeps the heart’s cells from separating and floating off into the bloodstream? What holds the brain together so it doesn’t resemble Jello? What keeps the liver together so our skin doesn’t turn yellow?

WHAT HOLDS US TOGETHER?

He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. Colossians 1:17

Let’s discover God’s wonderful intrinsic creation of how He holds us together on the inside and the outside.

We have these wonderful, tiny little cells called Laminin. Wikipedia describes them: “Lamins are a family of proteins that are an integral part of the structural scaffolding of basement membranes in almost every human and animal tissue.” They are called adhesion molecules. They are what holds one cell of our bodies to the next cell. Without them, we would literally fall apart.

The amazing thing about the Laminin cell is that it is in the shape of the Cross. This proves that Christ was there, as the Bible says, at the beginning.

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. he was with God in the beginning. Through Him all things were made; without Him nothing was made that has been made. In Him was life, and that life was the light of men. John 1:1-4

A CRUCIAL DESIGN

He designed us to carry a crucial part of Him that holds us together in the shape of a cross. We have been carrying the sigh of our resurrection, forgiveness of sins, and redemption within our bodies, since the creation of man. Our bodies are a living prophecy of the coming of Jesus Christ. Our bodies of a living prophecy of the return of Jesus. Laminin, a gift of prophecy from Jesus Christ, is the Cross that holds us together.

Laminin protein in our body thats in the shape of a cross its what ...

 

Tender Eyes

Leah’s eyes were tender, but Rachel was shapely and beautiful.
Genesis 29:17

“You have beautiful eyes,” he said, and here Dr. Scheie paused dramatically–or at least heĀ shouldĀ have paused dramatically, because what he was about to say would have a major impact on my life–“but you have a rare and serious disease. It’s called keratoconus and it deforms and destroys the corneas. I’m afraid that you have it in both eyes and while we can deter the progress, we can’t cure it.”

It is hard to believe that it has been more than forty years since I heard those words, forty years since my mother and I drove up to Penn on a wintry January day. I was nineteen at the time, a freshman at Millersville State College headed towards a teaching degree in elementary education. But headaches and blurred vision, episodes of dizziness, and walking into walls had convinced my parents that something more than just a change of glasses was needed. No one expected that the appointment would reveal a disease that would ultimately become a major player in the story of my life. But our lives often have unexpected plot twists. Take, for example, Leah, in love with Jacob, who was in love with the younger daughter, Rachel. Talk about a love triangle!

Many interpretations of the Bible claim that Leah’s eyes were not one of her best features, that she was cross-eyed or near-sighted or–it’s possible–suffered from keratoconus. But with my own eyes both my best and my worst feature, I’ve always identified with poor Leah, who spent years in the shadow of her lovelierĀ sister, Rachel. According to the Hebrew Ā 4 Christians website, “weak eyes” is not, as some Biblical scholars have stated, a negative comment. Leah, about to be forced into marriage with much, much older Esau, wept until her eyes hurt. She prayed that she might become the mother of the righteous, and God saw her tears.

I, too, have tender eyes. Many have called them beautiful. The first words my husband ever said to me were, “You have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen.” So, of course, I married him. But having tender eyes–eyes that see through misshaped corneas–is not easy. While more is known about KC–as it is commonly called–now than 40 years ago, it is still a pretty rare disease, with fewer than 200,000 cases reported per year. Common symptoms–and yes, I have them all–include ghost images, multiple images, glare, halos, extreme sensitivity to light, and starbursts. I also have the tell-tale gold rings–Fliesher’s Rings–that often come with keratoconus. While not yet proven, the disease is thought to progress with pregnancy, but I wouldn’t trade Dennis, Bonnie, or Allen for 20/20 vision anyway. Ā 15 to 20% of KC sufferers will require a transplant at some point in time; I’ve had three.

Image result for keratoconus

Leah, my tender-eyed friend, was honored by God. It was through her son Judah that both King David–andĀ ultimately Jesus- descended, and through her son Levi that both Moses and Aaron came. The word translated asĀ weakĀ in the Talmud is the Hebrew wordĀ rakkot,Ā the plural form ofĀ rak. According to the Talmud,Ā rak--tender–connotatesĀ royalty.Ā Leah’s eyes, whatever their condition, placed her as the matriarch of a royal line.

Years ago, when I was 19, I had no idea just how big a part KC would play in my life. I did not know that I would someday–as I have now–reach a point where certain things are no longer possible for me because of my tender eyes. I do remember this, though. I remember praying on the drive home from Penn: “Lord, I want to serve you. If I will do that better as a blind person, then so be it.”

I am not blind. While my vision is distorted and severe eyestrain has become the plague of my life, I still want to serve God in whatever way He deems fit. I may not become the matriarch of a royal line, but I know that I am a child of the King.

Tender eyes and all.

Finding Comfort in the Different

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

Ā 2 Corinthians 1:2-4 (NIV)

A STEP OF FAITH

It was raining that Sunday morning and the drops outside my windshield matched the sorrow in my soul. I was on my way to church, but I was not heading to the place of worship where my husband, Ron, and I had raised our children and spent most of our married lives. After my husbandā€™s death a year before, I had found no comfort in the church where we had both taught Sunday School, where I had served as Awana Commander, where Ron had been a trustee, and where we had dedicated our three children to God.

As I drove down Philadelphia Pike, trying to keep resentment from my heart, I reminded myself we had not done those things for the church building, but for God. And if the congregation did not know how to address the needs of a new widow, then I had every right to seek solace in another community. I had no idea where I would find it, so I let God lead me.

Ā 

There were, on that rainy Sunday morning, two notions in my head. One was a ministry that had existed several years ago called Angel Food, a non-profit organization that provided groceries to those in need at a reasonable price. The second notion was my husbandā€™s voice, echoing his idea that, ā€œThat seems like a nice little churchā€ whenever we passed the stone building in Claymont.

Ā 

Prodded by those two thoughts, I pulled into the parking lot at The Atonement Methodist Church.

Ā 

5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.

2 Corinthians 1:5-6 (NIV)

NEW BUT FAMILIAR

Ā 

I entered the building a bit warily, only passingly familiar with Methodism from the times my paternal grandmother would take my brother and I to Sunday School. But the building was warm and friendly, and I was greeted with equal warmth. I made my way into the sanctuary, uplifted by stray rays of light emerging through the stained glass windows. Raised as a Catholic by my mother, the colorful displays of Jesus were familiar to me. I took a seat in the back.

Ā 

Alright, I said inwardly to my husband, letā€™s see if this really is a nice little church.

Ā 

Several women seated near me offered their names and a smile. One moved over in the pew and asked me to join her. This is nice, I thought. Since my best friend had moved last year, six months after Ronā€™s death, I had sat alone in the pew, despite reaching out to several women including the Womenā€™s Ministry Leader.

Ā 

The organ began to play the prelude and I felt myself drawn back again to Grandmomā€™s church where the pipe organā€™s notes cascaded through the room. This felt good, I realized. This felt right.

Ā 

It wasnā€™t too much longer before a gentle woman with gray hair slid into the pew next to me. ā€œHi,ā€ she said. ā€œIā€™m Pastor Amy. What brings you to our church today?ā€

Ā 

And I found myself telling her, this kind but veritable stranger, how I had been widowed and feeling lonely and a bit lost. How the church where my husband and I had served for so many years didnā€™t seem to quite know what to do with me. How, when I asked the minister, I was told it was because of the COVID pandemic.

Ā 

ā€œNonsense,ā€ said Pastor Amy. ā€œYou are still a widow in need. IĀ  hope you find comfort here.ā€

Ā 

And I did, returning the next week with my autistic adult son who could not take the sensory overload of blinking screens and loud drums on the stage, but could settle in quietly next to me and spend time in worship.

Ā 

Ā 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

2 Corinthians 1: 7 (NIV)

THE RIGHT PATH

Three years later, and Allen and I have been embraced by the people of Atonement. We have found comfort; we have found ministries; we have found friends. It was not easy, but I dared to step into a new life as a widow with a disabled son; God led me to the doors of a ā€œnice little churchā€ where my writing ministry has continued to blossom.

 

Undertaking a new path and allowing God–and my husband!–to lead me was not easy. But as Atonement Methodist enters into a new phase, I know we are on the right path.

A NEW NAME

AUTHORā€™S NOTE: This week my Substack post was about the acceptance of my autistic adult son Allen that his deceased father had been given a new name in Heaven. Allen and I continue to make our way into a life without Ron. You can read the complete blog post here.

 

As we transition from our formal association with the United Methodist Church and enter into our fellowship with the Global Methodist Church, we will be called by a new name: The Atonement Methodist Church. I have taken these words from many Bible passages, all listed below. And please listen to the poem of Hosanna Wong, who says it better than I can!

 

We are not the names of our past;

We are the names we have chosen to answer to.

As the conquerors, we listen to what

The Spirit says to the Church.

In the hidden manna, written on the white stone,Ā 

Is a New Name.

It is an Everlasting Name.

Friend.

Chosen.

Masterpiece.

We are called by the mouth of the Lord

This new name.

We are called by another name.

Hand-made.

Purposed.

A temple.

Let everyone who has an ear, listen;

Let everyone who has an eye, see;

Let everyone who has a mouth, speak.

Our names are written in the house of the Lord.

Messenger.

Child.

Greatly loved.

Tangible words

Written on us.

The name of My God, and the name of the city of My God,

Ā the new Jerusalem, which comes down out of heaven from My God,Ā 

and My new name.

Free, free indeed.

Brand new.

I Have A New Name | Hosanna Wong (Official Video)

Hosanna Wong. I have a New Name. Mixology.

Taken from: Revelations 2:17,Isaiah 56:5, Isaiah 62:2, Isaiah 65:15, Revelation 3:12, John 15:15, 1 Thessolonians 1:14, Ephesians 2:10,1 Corinthians 6:19,Acts1:8,Galatians 3:26, Romans 5:8, John 8:36, II Corinthians 5:17

 

WHEN THE ANSWER IS “NO”

But he said to me, ā€œMy grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness. (II Corinthians 12:9, NIV)

FINISHED

The day was finally over. I leaned back in my second-hand rocking chair and closed my eyes, struggling to quiet my nerves. Iā€™d been running on adrenalin for the last six days, doing everything that needed to be done for my husband and our children, having no time to sort through my own emotions. I thought of the boxes and bundles in the dining room, all things I would need to sort through and take care of; of my two older children who had just gone back to their homes with their partners; and of Allen, my autistic adult son, who had thrown his tie and suit jacket on the coach a few moments ago. Iā€™d heard the door to his room slam; the sounds reverberated through our little brick house.Ā 

Keeping my eyes closed, I slid from my rocking chair and touched my knees to the laminate floorā€“so much better for wheelchairs and walkers than carpeting-and let the tearsā€“so carefully controlled for six daysā€“flow down my face.Ā 

ā€œThank you, Lord,ā€ I prayed. ā€œThank you that it is finally finished. Thank you that Ron is finally healed.ā€

I would need to become accustomed to seeing the empty lift chair on the other side of the room, the one Allen and I had struggled to bring home from a sale in Kennet Square just a few months ago, but my heart would be full.

Ā After more than two decades of illnesses, my husband had been called Home.

ASKING

During the years when we were, more often than not, inhabiting some room at some hospital in the tri-county area, my thoughts would often stray to the Apostle Paul as I waited out surgery or a test. While no one is really sure what the problem was, it is made clear in the Book of Second Corinthians that Paul prayed three times for a physical affliction to be removed from him. And God had his reasons for saying ā€œNoā€.Ā 

In addition to this burden, Paul had been beaten, flogged, left for dead, thrown into a filthy prison cell with rats and mice, and confined in chains. Some of Paulā€™s physical features have been part of a story Titus told Onesiphorus that Paul was, ā€œsmall in size, bald-headed, bow-legged, well built, with eyebrows that met, rather long-nosed and full of grace.ā€ Add to his unimposing figure the scars and scabs of his mistreatment, emaciation from prison scraps, and head injury. Not what one might suppose the impressive Apostle looked like.

But he was full of grace. When God said, ā€œNo. Sorry, buddy, no healing for you,ā€ Paulā€™s response was not anger but acceptance. Without physical features worthy of boast, Paul replied, ā€œTherefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon meā€ (II Corinthians 12:9). If God had healed Paul, would he have been as effective in the early church? Would he have gone on the Apostolic missions to Cyprus, Syria, Cilicia, and Arabia?Ā  Paul trusted that God knew best.

TRUST

We had that trust as well. Through the many, many years of my husbandā€™s illnesses, myself, my children, my friends, and my church continually prayed for Ronā€™s healing. We knew it was within Godā€™s power to take away both the physical and mental maladies that assaulted him. We knew it; we believed it; we waited for it to happen.

And while we waited for a miracle, we ā€œlet the power of Christā€ rest on us. We filled each hospital room with hymns and cards from my school students. We prayed for the medical staff that entered the room. We reached out to both patients and families in waiting rooms. We comforted those who lost someone; we rejoiced with those who left the hospital well again. We knew God heard us (I John 5:14).

Joni Eareckson Tada, a quadriplegic since her diving accident in 1967, stated in interviews that she often felt God, by not healing her, had deserted her. But she came to discover that God had a greater purpose for her life. Joni said, ā€œGod may remove your suffering, and that will be a great cause for praise. But if not, He will use it, He will use anything and everything that stands in the way of His fellowship with you. So let God mold you and make you, transform you from glory to glory. Thatā€™s the deeper healingā€(Interview with Marvin Olasky, 2013).

YES

I rose from the floor and crossed over to the maroon lift chair where, six days ago, Ron had fallen asleep and awakened in Heaven. I touched it lightly, remembering: the mother of a chronically ill daughter with whom I prayed during ketamine treatments; the heart patient my daughter and I had met at Temple Hospital who left our presence to go home and call her estranged son; the grieving widower who accepted Jesus in the waiting room at Riddle Hospital, knowing he would see his wife again in Glory.

Would these people have heard the Gospel if Ron had been healed? Would Paul have gone on the mission trips if he had been a handsome and physically fit man? Would Joni have had a worldwide impact on others if God had cured her?

I settled into Ronā€™s chair, sensing my husbandā€™s presence. Moving on without him would not be easy, but I knew his life had not been in vain.

Godā€™s ā€œnoā€ had resulted in many saying ā€œyesā€ to Jesus.Ā 

 

Do you know Iā€™ve written a book? It recounts my autistic sonā€™s unique grief journey after his father died. In order to have a publisher consider it, I need a LOT of people to subscribe to my blog. PLEASE CONSIDER IT. Itā€™s FREE!Ā  Just click this link!Ā 

Quirky: Because we’re all a little different

 

Running Home

It’s been a long time running down a dead-end road

Lookin’ for that something that could fill my soul

Running Home, Cochran and Company, 2023Ā 

Title: Running Home, CD By: Cochren & Company Format: Compact disc. Vendor: Gotee, Publication Date: 2023. Weight: 3 ounces. UPC: 669447019978. Stock No

ā€œIā€™m sorry. I just canā€™t do it anymore.ā€

The note was torn from a copybook and left on the kitchen table that morning. I wasnā€™t sure how my husband had managed to get out of bed without me hearing him, but tears flowed down my cheeks as I read his words. I ran to the window; his white Ford GT was gone. That meant that Ron, my husband of 40 years, had driven off in a psychotic break.

I picked up my phone and began to make calls: to the police, our children, and our minister. It was more than I could handle alone; I needed my village.Ā 

It was April of 2009, and it was the third time that Ron, worn down by both psychological and physical issues, had attempted to run away from his problems. I knew the problems were not of his making. The severe depression that had caused the first mental breakdown in 1996 resulted in several hospitalizations in psychiatric wards and was later diagnosed as bipolar disorder in 1999. We were getting a handle on it, working out the medications, and coming to a balance in life (well, sort of) when the red pickup truck struck Ronā€™s car on Paoli Pike, resulting in massive internal injuries and many, many surgeries.Ā 

At first, Ron tried to remain positive and hopeful, but as infections invaded his body and postponed his recovery, the mental aspects of a long illness began to erode his faith. He questioned why God allowed his suffering, and why God allowed him to remain on earth. My usually upbeat nature grated on his nerves.Ā 

ā€œIā€™m worth nothing,ā€ he would say.

ā€œYou are to the kids and me,ā€ I would counter.

ā€œIf only I could get away from God,ā€ heā€™d retort.

“Go to Ninevah!”

Iā€™m sure Jonah felt the same way when God told him to go to Ninevah and he decided against it. Jonah 1:3 says, ā€œBut Jonah got up and went in the opposite direction to get away from the Lordā€ (NIV). Jonah did his best to run and hide, jumping on a ship headed for the open sea and eventually getting thrown into the waves when the crew discovered this disobedient prophet was the reason for the sudden storm. Then, to make matters worse, Jonah was swallowed by a whale and spent three days and nights in what was probably a pretty dark and smelly place.

But it gave him time to think. While the story of Jonah does not end with his repentance, God undoubtedly knew the internal struggles within the prophet and forgave him (Shalhevertnewsonline.com).

And God forgave Ron. Aways. My husband may have seen his struggles as meaningless. Sometimes I did, as well. Why had this good man, this loving husband and father, been made to suffer so much pain? I reminded myself daily that,ā€ God works for the good of those who love him, who had been called according to his purposeā€ (Romans 8:2,8 NIV).

And despite his attempts to run away, Ron did love God.

It was close to midnight by the time Ron was found. Church members and neighbors had gone home by then, and my grown children and their partners were seeking some respite at my house when our minister called.

Going home

ā€œI drove by the church,ā€ said Dan. ā€œRonā€™s car is there. The police are bringing him to the hospital. Heā€™s okay.ā€

Ron had, at his lowest point and suffering great inner turmoil,, sought a place of peace and safety. Heā€™d sought God.

It was the last time Ron tried to run away from the Lord. It probably helped that I sold his car. He continued to question why God allowed his pain to endure. The last two years of his life, when his world was reduced to our downstairs rooms, were particularly difficult.

ā€œI wish I knew what Godā€™s reasons are,ā€ he would tell me. And I would assure him that one day he would know.

According to Desiringgod.com (2017), suffering prepares us for glory; ā€œFor our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them allā€ (II Corinthians 4:17, NIV). As Joni Eareckson Tada said, ā€œWeā€™ll thank God endlessly in heaven for the trials he sent us here.ā€

His trials continued, but my husband stopped running from God. And on one glorious day, Ron ran home.

Do you know I’ve written a book? It recounts my autistic son’s unique grief journey after his father died. In order to have a publisher consider it, I need a LOT of people to subscribe to my blog. PLEASE CONSIDER IT. It’s FREE!

http://lindaca1.substack.com

HEART BEAT

Dear Friends, My son and I were not members of Atonement when my husband died on July 13, 2019, but all of you have helped us to continue to allow our hearts to beat as we work to serve God and honor our loved one. Our church has undergone trials this year, and some hearts have been divided. I’d like to remind everyone that “Heaven is working everything for our good.” I hope you will not only read this post to the end but also listen to Danny Gorky’s song.

In His Blessed Name,

Linda

Shattered…
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
“Your husband’s heart is very damaged,” said Dr. Hoffman. She stood next to our chairs in the trauma waiting room, still wearing a blue surgical gown. “His aorta was crushed by the steering wheel. And he’s sustained a lot of other damage in his chest and pelvis. But, he’s survived the surgery. There may be other complications later on, but for now, he is stable.”
My daughter and I were numb after eight hours spent in molded plastic chairs, eight hours of twisting our hands and praying. During the evening and early morning hours, friends and church members had stopped by to pray and wait with us. Now, at 2 AM, it was just Bonnie and me and our minister.
“You can see him for a moment,” said Dr. Hoffman. “Then you all need to go get some sleep. Don’t set the alarm for work or school. Just sleep. We’ll call you if anything happens.”
Ron lay on the stretcher in the recovery room, still and gray, wires and tubes connected everywhere to his body. A screen above showed his heartbeat in glowing green. I touched his right shoulder, one of the few places on his body without an electrode. “Stay with me,” I whispered to him. “Tell your heart to keep beating.”
Is he still alive?” asked the voice on the other end of the phone. “I just got the message you left. Mom, tell me, is Dad still alive?”
Bonnie, Allen, and I had huddled together in my bed for a few hours, trying to sleep away some of the fears we were feeling. One of us would drift off for a few moments, but inevitably we would wake up and grab for each other. Thoughts ran through my head: What now? How would we get through this? Could I be strong enough for Ron, for our children?
Tears streamed down my face as I responded to my son, away at college. “Yes,” I said. “Dad’s still alive. When we left him a couple of hours ago, his heart was still beating.”
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
“The surgery on his pancreas was successful,” said Dr. Harbison. “He’ll be on a feeding tube for a while, and gradually we’ll reintroduce solid foods. But his heart has become enlarged. It’s not working at full capacity. He’ll spend some time in the telemetry unit, but I think he is going to need a pacemaker. We’ll watch him for a few days until he’s stronger.”
I made notes on the pad I kept in my purse as he talked. Terms once foreign to me–pancreas, spleen, telemetry- were now part of my everyday vocabulary. “I’m assuming you will give him a diet to follow when he’s released, things that are easy to digest and that will keep his blood sugar level. When can I see him?”
“In about half an hour,” he said. “We’ve had some trouble bringing him out of the anesthesia.”
“It always happens,” I said.
He paused for a moment and checked Ron’s chart. “I see this is his–fourth surgery in the last year? This must be hard on you.”
“It is,” I agreed. “But we’re a strong family. The kids and I figure it out as we go along.” I smiled as I put the notebook back in my purse. “As long as his heart keeps beating, we’ll keep fighting.”
Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
‘Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun
“Your pulse is very weak. Mr. Cobourn, I think you’re going into A-fib. Are you with me? Stay with me!” shouted the nurse.
I grabbed Ron’s hand. “Come on, honey. Keep breathing.” I turned to the nurse who was busily raising the baron the stretcher Ron laid on. “Shall we call 911?” I asked her. “Do we need the paddles? Is his pacemaker working?”
“It will be quicker to run him across the street to Temple,” she said. “I’ll push. Go hold the elevator!”
I picked up Ron’s things and ran down the hallway of the medical building on Broad Street, determined to stop traffic if I had to in order to get Ron into the Emergency Room across the street. “I’ll call them that we’re on our way!” I said as I furiously pushed the button for the elevator. The nurse arrived, breathless with her exertion, and the doors slid open. I leaned over my groggy husband and whispered in his ear, “Tell your heart to keep beating. Tell it not to stop.”
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
“It’s his heart” said the voice on my cell phone. “As you know, it’s terribly scarred from so many surgeries and infections. And it’s only working at 25% capacity. Dr. Araidne needs to do an ablation but since you have medical power of attorney…”
“I know,” I said as I opened up my desk drawer and picked up my purse. My elementary students were out on the playground and the Reading lesson was on the board.
“How soon can you be here?”
I checked the clock on the wall. ” Maybe 30 minutes,” I said. “I’m just up on Academy Road. I can get to Hahnemann pretty quickly.”
“Okay. We’ll let the surgeon know.”
I grabbed my purse and locked the door. I would run by the office and tell the secretary I was leaving for the hospital; my reading students would have to stay in their classroom. Quickly, I strode over to the parking lot and got into my car. “Tell your heart to keep beating,” I whispered to my husband. “Just a little while longer.”
Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
“We did everything we could,” said the EMT. “There is nothing else we can do. His heart just..stopped. Between one beat and the next.” He laid a hand on my arm. “I wish we could have done more.”
I took a deep breath. “He’s been through a lot. Too many hospitalizations. Too many surgeries. Nineteen years of too much for one man to deal with.” I let the tears fall from my face. “He stayed as long as he could. He kept his heart beating for us.”
The EMT bent to put the instruments back into his bag. “The medical examiner will be along later. But I think the cause of death is obvious.” He straightened up. “You took good care of him, Mrs. Cobourn. Never doubt that.” He sighed. “Frankly, he shouldn’t have lived this long. He did because he loved you.”
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good
“Dad’s okay now,” I said to my three children, huddled together on the deck out back while the EMTs finished up. “He’s not in pain anymore. I promised him…I promised him we would all be okay. I promised him we would move on with our lives. I promised him we would always remember him.”
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
“Goodbye,” I whispered as I leaned over the casket. “It will take some time, I know. But I want you to know I will be okay. Your love will always be part of me. My heart will beat for you.”
Say goodbye to where you’ve been

And tell your heart to beat again

Tell Your Heart to Beat Again lyrics Ā© Capitol Christian Music Group, Capitol CMG Publishing, Downtown Music Publishing, Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

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