It’s been a long time running down a dead-end road
Lookin’ for that something that could fill my soul
Running Home, Cochran and Company, 2023
Title: Running Home, CD By: Cochren & Company Format: Compact disc. Vendor: Gotee, Publication Date: 2023. Weight: 3 ounces. UPC: 669447019978. Stock No
“I’m sorry. I just can’t do it anymore.”
The note was torn from a copybook and left on the kitchen table that morning. I wasn’t sure how my husband had managed to get out of bed without me hearing him, but tears flowed down my cheeks as I read his words. I ran to the window; his white Ford GT was gone. That meant that Ron, my husband of 40 years, had driven off in a psychotic break.
I picked up my phone and began to make calls: to the police, our children, and our minister. It was more than I could handle alone; I needed my village.
It was April of 2009, and it was the third time that Ron, worn down by both psychological and physical issues, had attempted to run away from his problems. I knew the problems were not of his making. The severe depression that had caused the first mental breakdown in 1996 resulted in several hospitalizations in psychiatric wards and was later diagnosed as bipolar disorder in 1999. We were getting a handle on it, working out the medications, and coming to a balance in life (well, sort of) when the red pickup truck struck Ron’s car on Paoli Pike, resulting in massive internal injuries and many, many surgeries.
At first, Ron tried to remain positive and hopeful, but as infections invaded his body and postponed his recovery, the mental aspects of a long illness began to erode his faith. He questioned why God allowed his suffering, and why God allowed him to remain on earth. My usually upbeat nature grated on his nerves.
“I’m worth nothing,” he would say.
“You are to the kids and me,” I would counter.
“If only I could get away from God,” he’d retort.
“Go to Ninevah!”
I’m sure Jonah felt the same way when God told him to go to Ninevah and he decided against it. Jonah 1:3 says, “But Jonah got up and went in the opposite direction to get away from the Lord” (NIV). Jonah did his best to run and hide, jumping on a ship headed for the open sea and eventually getting thrown into the waves when the crew discovered this disobedient prophet was the reason for the sudden storm. Then, to make matters worse, Jonah was swallowed by a whale and spent three days and nights in what was probably a pretty dark and smelly place.
But it gave him time to think. While the story of Jonah does not end with his repentance, God undoubtedly knew the internal struggles within the prophet and forgave him (Shalhevertnewsonline.com).
And God forgave Ron. Aways. My husband may have seen his struggles as meaningless. Sometimes I did, as well. Why had this good man, this loving husband and father, been made to suffer so much pain? I reminded myself daily that,” God works for the good of those who love him, who had been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:2,8 NIV).
And despite his attempts to run away, Ron did love God.
It was close to midnight by the time Ron was found. Church members and neighbors had gone home by then, and my grown children and their partners were seeking some respite at my house when our minister called.
Going home
“I drove by the church,” said Dan. “Ron’s car is there. The police are bringing him to the hospital. He’s okay.”
Ron had, at his lowest point and suffering great inner turmoil,, sought a place of peace and safety. He’d sought God.
It was the last time Ron tried to run away from the Lord. It probably helped that I sold his car. He continued to question why God allowed his pain to endure. The last two years of his life, when his world was reduced to our downstairs rooms, were particularly difficult.
“I wish I knew what God’s reasons are,” he would tell me. And I would assure him that one day he would know.
According to Desiringgod.com (2017), suffering prepares us for glory; “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all” (II Corinthians 4:17, NIV). As Joni Eareckson Tada said, “We’ll thank God endlessly in heaven for the trials he sent us here.”
His trials continued, but my husband stopped running from God. And on one glorious day, Ron ran home.
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